How I Learned to Stop Worrying About Zombies

By / 6 years ago / Features / 5 Comments
How I Learned to Stop Worrying About Zombies

Bryan Muller

*NOTE: Following the evacuation of the last remaining survivors of Madison, South Dakota, the military moved in and searched the campus of Dakota State University to ensure that no one was left behind.  While searching the Oyate Room in the Trojan Center, they came upon an open laptop.  This laptop belonged to a Mr. Bryan Muller, who had been reporting on the apocalypse as a member of the town.  The following article, and audio recording, was found on his computer, it is the last entry.

***

It is official; we cannot take Madison back from the horde.  The military has issued a notice over radio declaring an evacuation for those of us who are still alive.  I do not know if I will be able to make it, I really hope I can though.  But what do you do after surviving the nightmare that is a zombie apocalypse? I searched for survivors to find this out; also I needed to find out what they had done to survive the entire nightmare.  However, there was another unanswered question: what did the zombies want?  Throughout all of my reporting over the weeks, I have only questioned humans, I needed to question a zombie.  I have one trapped in the Oyate Room in the Trojan Center.  After I type this, I will record my interview with the zombie, and then share that with you too.

With so little of us remaining, when someone sees another being walking down the street they rarely dare to stop and speak.  Because people are unwilling to talk to each other, warnings have begun to appear across campus.  On the walls of Zimmerman Hall, written in zombie blood, is a warning poem by Jimmy Chattin.  It says,

“Shhh… Stay quiet.  Stay safe.

Watch the trees, but move quickly.

Talk to no-one.  Be away.

Socks in hand gives zombies their brand.

Listen to where I am, because I’m not there.

Be quick and courageous while living sloth and cowardice.

It is the only way to survive.

Long live the human race.  Strength and Honor.

Jimmy”

Not everyone is going to such ominous means to communicate with other people.  One such person who was willing to risk that I was not infected was freshman Greg Brandner.  Being that he was the only freshman who is still alive, I needed to know his methods for staying alive, and what he plans on doing if he can make it out of Madison.  When asked how he survived, he told me, “Shoot fast, run faster and don’t die.”  He elaborated on this by describing the importance of working in groups when going to get food, and always making sure that you have enough ammunition to protect yourself.  Although he is still very young, this nightmare has affected him so much that he told me he does not know how to live in a post-apocalyptic world, so, if he makes it out, he is going to continue to fight the zombie menace wherever it presents itself.

Matthew Thompson before being zombified.

Everybody who had time to stop and speak to me this week did not express this cynical worldview.  As I mentioned before, because of the fear that any person that you run into may be a zombie, I was only able to get brief statements from a variety of people, who didn’t even stop for long enough for me to get their names.  One man, he appeared to be a junior or senior, jokingly told me that after all of the sneaking around and isolation, he was going to look for a girl to help occupy his zombie-free time.  As I was making my way to the zombie trap that I will soon describe, I ran into only girl who remained alive in the entire town.  She told me through her various zombie protection gear, that when this is over she is going to buy a boat and move to the middle of the ocean where zombies will never be able to find her again.  The final person I ran into gave me a wide grin and said, “Duh, I’m going to Disney World!”  Several zombies who obviously did not enjoy clichés then pounced on him.

Now I come to the part of the tale that I may or may not get to finish.  As I sit in the Oyate Room, the zombie is still stunned.  I have to type this fast, and set up my recording devices before he comes back to what little senses he has left.  The zombie is a former Mr. Matthew Thompson, sophomore.  I saw him walking around the TC, and used my knowledge of his former life to help set up a trap so I could stun him, and secure him for an interview.  Matt was heavily involved in the DSU theater program, and I figured even though he was a zombie he could not easily give up this part of his life.  The trap was a copy of Hamlet on the ground by the automatic doors, and when he went to pick it up, I stunned him and brought him into the Oyate Room.  He is waking up now; I will write what happened after the interview.

*NOTE: * Those are the final words written by Bryan Muller.  However, the audio recording has been recovered, and you can hear how the zombies speak, and hear the author’s final words in his foolish attempt to reason with the undead. Recovered Audio!

Bryan Muller

Raised by wolves. Worked at Cabelas. Not Chuck Testa.

5 Comments

  • Jimmy C02. Nov, 2011

    I’ll see the humanz next campaign!

  • J02. Nov, 2011

    “Brains?”
    “No, Bry-An, Bry-An”
    “Brains?”
    “You’re reversing the Y and A sounds, see.”

    Comic gold, Muller.

  • Bryan Muller02. Nov, 2011

    What can I say, I’ve learned everything I know from Fozzie Bear

  • John Nelson03. Nov, 2011

    Bryan’s still leaving responses after he’s joined the undead? Strange . . .

  • Kurt Kemper03. Nov, 2011

    …In the early days of the Zombie War, guerrillas – mostly children – placed the names of their lost upon this rock. They fought here alone and gave up their lives, so that this nation shall not perish from the earth.

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