Midwest Found to be the Cause of Global Warming

Everybody knows there is only a set amount of warmth and cold in the world. So what happens when one area hogs all the cold? The rest of the world warms up, of course. It was recently discovered that this is exactly what is happening in the phenomena called “global warming.”

The Midwest has been absorbing more than its fair share of cold for years. Usually, the region has been smart about remaining discrete and limiting itself to just having extremely cold winters, but in the last few years, it has gotten sloppy and issued blizzards as late as March or April. The head of the climatology department of DSU was the first to notice the correlation. “I realized that the Arctic and Antarctica were suffering immensely from too-high temperatures, while we here in the Midwest still get more than enough cold and snow,” he explained, “It then occurred to me that the Midwest was stealing the cold from those other regions.” He expressed, in colorful language, his distaste for the crime.

Now that it has been revealed what is happening, the next question is “why?” Many Midwesterners believe the reasoning is simple and justified. “I know most people around here actually do fit the stereotype of ‘Midwestern Nice,’ so I don’t think there is ill-intent, just an opportunity to make a quick buck,” one DSU junior shared. “The Midwest is simply conserving the cold for later distribution at an inflated price.” Midwesterners see “Cold Distribution” as the next big industry of the Midwest. They plan to use all the farmland and livestock buildings as storage for snow and ice before it is transported to areas in need. In fact, farms around Madison are already being converted into lots for snow, and it is rumored that many farming families plan to purchase wind turbines to blow on the snow for cooling during the summer.

The face of the earth is changing for the worse and living organisms are struggling to adapt. The Midwest is to blame with its scheme to cause chaos, then sweep in as an unexpected hero. Though the plan has now been revealed, little can be done to stop or reverse it. Icebergs are already melting, the sea level is already rising, and the Midwest has already contained the majority of remaining cold. The rest of the world will simply need to fall at the Midwest’s feet and pay whatever price requested to avoid a global catastrophe.

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