The world of college is…strange. It’s like an angry hobbit-fairy person poured a million colorful potions into a pot over a magical fire and what came out was all these humans running around wearing backpacks, eating ramen, doing homework, and playing D&D in an artificial atmosphere of giant blue hexagons.
In reality, it’s caused by a bunch of people wearing glasses and suits who sit at a big long table and talk about how to educate the masses. At least that’s how I like to picture it. But either way, we can agree that college is strange. Especially DSU. Period. No contest.
So, to reflect on the weird reality that centers in all of our lives as Trojans, I’ve complied a list of quotes. These are things you would never hear anywhere else, anywhere where there was a person older than twenty-five in the near vicinity. Not because they’re inappropriate, but because they are distinctly college-student speak. These quotes were heard on our DSU campus – and don’t worry, I’m not naming any names. And for anyone who is going to think I am a terrible eavesdropper, you can breathe a sigh of relief because it wasn’t just me. I had some help.
- Person #1: “We should have a lettuce club. The first person to eat a whole head of lettuce in one sitting gets to be the head of the lettuce club.”
Person #2: “Can you eat it with ranch?”
Person #1: “No way! It’s not a salad club.” Can we please start this? It’s just so clever. As long as we can eat Iceberg and not Romaine!
- “Okay, so this was my fault but I want to complain about it anyway.” Everyone does this but only a college student would verbally acknowledge the oxymoronic mental process.
- “I’ve gotten to the point of saying, ‘Yes! Please give me a skillet for Christmas!’” The brink of desperation apparently…
- Person #1: “Dude, you keep freaking out! Calm down! Just remember, Macs are stupid.”
Person #2: “Yeah, but so am I!” No context needed. We’ve all been here.
- “Do you want a block of ramen? There’s no flavoring or anything. It’s just a block of ramen.” I’ll take it! Over here, the quiet one with the notebook!
- Person #1: “Yuck, I can see why this jerky was only 79 cents.”
Person #2: “Well why did you buy it?”
Person #1: “Because it was 79 cents.” And next time he will probably buy it again and try to forget how bad it was.
- Person #1: “I know a couple whose baby was born in the car before they got to the hospital.”
Person #2: “If that happened, would you have to cut the umbilical cord yourself?”
Person #1: “Probably on the baby’s end.”
Person #2: “What about the other end?”
Person #1: “It would retract…?”
Person #2: “No that would definitely not happen.”
Person #1: “I don’t know, I never wanted to be a midwife!”
Person #3: “What did I just walk into?” I was unfortunately an eyewitness to this conversation.
- Person #1: “I still have a 4.0 GPA.”
Person #2: “You know that doesn’t matter as a graphic designer. You just need your portfolio.”
Person #1: “Let me have the one thing I’m proud of, okay? Let me have my GPA!” Reality is always there to intrude on our happiness, buddy.
That’s probably enough for now. That was probably too much. You might need to go and take deep breaths of fresh air to recover. But one last quote, because as I was writing this two students walked past in the hall and this is what they were saying:
- Person #1: “How many s’s and c’s can you get into the word stupid? S-sc-ooh and a w! Shcupweed…two e’s in there…”
Person #2: “Schuchtupiiiiid….hahaha…”
I wonder if they knew that they sounded…never mind. I’m going to go eat some ramen and do homework. The angry fairy-hobbit has been stirring the pot a bit too much.