(Ed. note: What you are about to read is the first iteration of my column, “Boring and Opinionated.” I began this column when I was an intern at The Arlington Sun this past summer. The column title is a self-deprecating inside joke which I will never share the origin of. Hopefully, you will enjoy it, and feed my inflated ego in the process.)
I want to be a Major League Baseball player.
Now, before you close your browser window and laugh at me for having a five-year-old’s fantasy, allow me to elaborate: I don’t want to be an MLB player for the typical reasons.
Sure, it would be nice to hit the World Series-winning home run with my team trailing in the bottom of the ninth inning, or be the pitcher and strike a guy out in the same situation. But those chances are pretty much unrealistic, even for current players.
No, I want to be an MLB player for one primary reason.
I want to have my own walk-up music.
“Walk-up music” is the short snippet of music that plays as a hitter approaches the plate.
Now there are two other fields that I know of in which I can have my own walk-up music, but both are just as unrealistic and have drawbacks to them: professional wrestling and political campaigns.
If I became a professional wrestler, I would probably have to wear a Speedo, which, even if I had more than the amount of muscle mass required to survive on Earth, would be too great of a trade-off to make for my own walk-up music.
As far as a political campaign, I’d be severely limited in my choice due to image reasons and cease-and-desist letters.
But as a baseball player, I would enjoy the freedom of choice in my song, and being able to keep my pants on. And I would have much different taste than most current players, who seem to be partial to hip-hop (or it may be rap, because I really don’t know the difference). Of course, there is a player every now and then who thinks he is going against the grain and chooses something decidedly unmanly, like Carly Rae Jepsen’s bubble-gum hit “Call Me Maybe.” But I’m not that lame.
My choice for a walk-up song is Dire Straits’ 1985 hit “Money for Nothing.” The title alone indicates that it should be every player’s walk-up song, as they all are paid at least $480,000, even if they ride the bench six days out of the week.
It also works as a double-edged sword. If I were good, I’d be immensely cocky with that song, staring with contempt at the pitcher. Then I’d (deservedly) get drilled with a fastball.
On the flip side, if I were bad, then that song could be used in a self-deprecating way and quell the boos. But I’d still be rolling in money.
While the title is a good one for my music, it is Mark Knopfler’s guitar lick at the beginning that really sells it. If you know the song, you are perhaps familiar with it. Essentially, it is a nasty lick with no other instrumentation that lasts for about ten seconds, which is about the ideal length for the walk-up.
Alas, the closest thing I’ll come to having my own walk-up music is through (my created player) Starbelly Sneetch’s career in MLB 12 The Show. There, I can live out my sad little fantasy of the virtual fans immediately knowing who I am, based on my walk-up music.
Or maybe I’ll walk around with a boom box on my shoulder, blasting it at an incredibly high volume with a whole lot of bass.
Yes, I can see the girls running to me now.
(Featured photo from Wikipedia)
For the guitar rift, go to 1:36