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Sunny Side Up – The 12 Days of Christmas: Give your True Love the Worst Christmas Ever

         First, set aside almost two weeks for gift-giving. Enough with this December 25th stuff -one day isn’t enough; get them a gift every day for 12 days to really pour on the love.

               What your true love obviously needs is birds. A lot of birds. Start with a partridge; but you can’t just give a bird without something for it to stand on. Give them a pear tree to go with it. Sure, they’ll have to go out in the freezing cold to plant the tree, unless there’s a good pear tree spot in their dorm room or house. But that’s nothing compared to the enjoyment they’ll get from that partridge.

               Next, more birds! Two, because it’s the second day of giving! Doves are beautiful and lovely, so two turtle doves is the order of the day. Birdseed? Bird cages? Nah, they can buy all that themselves. Stick with the two doves – it’s romantic.

                Go big or go home! Now give them three French hens! Hopefully they have a chicken coop or things are going to get ugly quickly. But that’s not your concern.

               For the fourth day, four calling birds. Presumably these birds will call back and forth and keep up a lively noise to entertain your true love. Just what they wanted this Christmas.

               Okay, enough with the birds; it’s time to get serious. Five golden rings. You heard me; five! One for each finger! “Put a ring on it” can’t compare to putting five rings on it! Get 24 karat gold rings – it will deepen your true love’s appreciation of the expense you must have gone to.

               In debt from those rings? Go back to birds, they’re cheaper. Six geese! And make sure they’re laying. Nothing says Merry Christmas like a lot of goose eggs. I’m sure your love will figure out something to do with them.

                Geese aren’t very romantic, are they? But swans are romantic. Picture two swans, gracefully swimming side-by-side…now picture seven swans! Romance multiplied exponentially!

               For the eighth day, your true love should receive eight maids a-milking. Hopefully they have the money to pay those maids for all their hard work…and room for the cows that presumably will come with them. You might want to make sure your true love isn’t lactose intolerant first.

               Nine ladies dancing…maybe your true love needs a bigger house as well as a farm. And a lot of guest bathrooms. It’s okay, I’m sure the performance will be worth the expense. 

               You’re almost done wishing your true love a merry Christmas! Why say it with flowers when you could say it with ten lords a-leaping? Maybe they’ll leap over to the chicken coop and feed the French hens. That would be nice.

               Some ambient music would really improve this Christmas. Eleven pipers piping should do the trick.

               Piping isn’t quite enough though. How about a drummer? Your true love might appreciate that to drown out those four calling birds. Twelve drummers should make a sufficient racket.

Merry Christmas, love. And hey, don’t blame me if they break up with you over Christmas! Coincidences happen. Just make sure they give back all five rings so that you can sell them and get out of debt.